14 June 2010

quicksand.




I'm just not at a good spot right now.

I'm overwhelmed, stressed, exhausted, and too many things running through my mind at the same time. I've just been on overdrive lately with trying to accomplish many things at once and it seems like I've neglected the things that matter to me most. In the process of seeking things to make me better, I just got worse instead.

I used to wake up with vigor and excitement ready for a new day with all sorts of things planned to do, with much enthusiasm to attempt and accomplish them. It doesn't feel like that at this moment.

Honestly, it's like I'm losing grip of inspiration in so many ways, and I don't know how to tackle it. Sometimes, it's much worse than losing it all, because you just try to bounce back and look for something new -- something fresh, and you can start over again. When you start losing grip, the sensation is different -- you try to hang on hard but you can't do much about it. The harder you pull, the easier it slips away and you can't explain it. Some kind of fear strikes you, because you know the dawn is coming and it might be a while before the sun shines again.

My approach and perspective has changed upon so many things, and not exactly in the best way. It's like instead of being my proactive self, I've resorted to waiting for things -- and I was always against this because nothing gets done that way. I used to have the "If you want it, go get it" mentality. But since feeling burnt out and seemingly losing desire for everything, I just haven't been the same lately.

I just need to get myself going and rid my mind of all negative thoughts. Even positive and effervescent people get hit hard too and experience pessimism in the back of their heads. We're all driven for success, but the cloud of possible failure haunts us at times.

It's like fucking quicksand man. I'm drowning just as fast as I try to save myself.

But hopefully it won't be too late.