this is me. pure. unadulterated. nothing else but the truth. this is an open letter to anyone who cares to even give a fuck. and if you don't, well, it's a pointless effort to read the rest. nonetheless, please hear me out.
i am aware of a change in me. i sought this summer to be a sorts of sabbatical hoping i can find myself. i mean, after all, what is life without knowing who really is that person you talk to the most, that person who you see every time you stare at the mirror, that person who actually understands your flaws and validates every mistake you make? how can that person not? that person is not merely an accessory to the bullshit you do. that person isn't just part of it either. that person, quite frankly, is all of it.
it is thyself.
i know that i have isolated myself for the most part during this break. tough times have hit but it would be a great lie to say that it is because of them why i have pushed any and everybody away so i can focus on myself for the most part. and don't assume that i'm this person slowly falling into this abyss of depression why i chose to do so. i am not. indeed i have tried to learn new things and understand other perspectives to broaden my knowledge and wisdom about this world we live in. i view every summer as this opportunity to better one's self after sitting down and admitting what our flaws are and how we can overcome them and ultimately be a more progressive and passionate person regardless of what you're passionate about.
yes, i have learned a lot. yes, i have garnered new ideas and philosophies i might carry for the rest of my life. but a better person? not necessarily. i have closed the doors and any pathway towards communication imaginable. i just wanted to get away from it all and know more about me. but as i analyze this so-called sabbatical, i realize that to ultimately know who i am is to acknowledge the people who had been a part of my life. not just those who i had constantly mingled with in the past, or anyone who i have had a decent relationship with or have shared a good conversation with. no. it is about every single individual that i have come across in my 19 years of existence. each one has contributed something to me, because each moment in passing is part of this long and complex equation we call life. what happens next is always achieved by what happens now. and what "was" is and will always be a part of what "will." and don't give me that bullshit that the past is just that and nothing more. each memory is a piece of fiber that holds the rope that is the present. and it's not just so we can learn not to make the same mistakes. most of us, including myself, will continue to make the same mistakes over and over again.
but you see, regardless of those mistakes, or whatever bullshit you come across, or any emotion you can nitpick out of the dictionary, it's the people in your life that matter. not how minuscule their contribution was, but the way you handled them. the way you strike them and the way they strike you. who gives a shit if they hate you and you hate them? the fact is, you've received a particular emotion out of that person, and it may be forgettable, but it doesn't change the fact that a certain moment has occurred between you and that person in the lapse of time forever etched in the history of this planet. whoever you are reading this, right now, we are sharing a moment and connection regardless of whether you love or loathe my writing.
so what am i getting at?
through this phase for the search for individuality, i have learned that what makes the individual is what revolves around the individual. and that is each other.
i am not knocking introversion at all. if you haven't noticed, through this rant, i am rather fond of it. but instead of controlling it, it controlled me. i left without mentioning i was leaving. and others may not care or ever will, but with it comes a feeling of hollowness within. like a certain part of me was missing. and that was what i was looking for all along.
i became caught up in polishing myself, and no i am not trying to be pretentious by saying i am perfect, because to say that statement is to admit imperfection itself. i have been looking for myself, when it was right there all along.
the great irony is, my senior quote coming from my most loved piece of literature sums up this entire rant and the mantra i have been trying to somehow figure out after all this "search for thyself" mission is what i ultimately re-discover again. it goes:
Perhaps you seek too much. That because of your seeking, you cannot find.
i am happy to say i have found it.
in all of you.
thank you for being a part of my life no matter how immense or minute. that connection is cemented in me, leading up to this very point, writing this down to the very last punctuation mark.
Audio: "LES Artistes" by Santigold.
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