10 December 2008

coldest winter.


i should really be studying for my bio final at this moment. but if i let this itch linger any longer, and don't write about it, i'm just gonna lose it. i'm shivering, and i don't know if it's from the cold, or if it's from the adrenaline rushing through my veins as i'm writing this.

anyway, i knew it.

i knew it was going to get to this point. the point when and where i have to admit that some things just can't and won't fall into fruition. this sucks because i was always in denial about it, yet hopeful about it at the same time. and the heavy part of it is knowing that there was that risk involved. there always is. that's pretty much how the thread of life goes. there's a risk that you're trying to avoid as much as possible but at the same time the inner part of you becomes frustrated, because you don't want to face that risk, but you know it's there.

gladly, i didn't have to.

...and i'm not sure if i'm more secure about the fact that i don't have to face that risk or that i'm not going to try and face it at all.

i mean, why should i? i already know this isn't going anywhere remotely close to where i want it to. i know that i won't reach that level of comfort with her no matter how much i try because the way we started our relationship wasn't built to have it to begin with. even though it probably sailed to an extraordinary tangent of what a normal relationship between what we were supposed to have considering her position and mine, i just knew she wasn't going to look at it the way i do. it just wasn't meant to be. it was great from the get-go, more than i expected and more than i can ever hope for, but i knew i was doomed for failure the moment i stepped in and decided to cater to this infallible desire that just kept ringing in my head and wouldn't stop bothering me.

i mean, even that i'm in denial about. i keep telling myself this happened at a later time, and that it was not in my plans or that i didn't know what i was headed for.


the moment i saw her, it was there. the moment she looked at me and greeted me with that infamous smile of hers and infectious enthusiasm, it hit me. maybe the only truth about it was that it was unexpected. but that's how it hits you half the time anyway. and it was because of that moment forever cemented in my mind with every speck of detail blazoned with perfection in my consciousness, why i tried to get something going with her in the first place. whatever it may be, wherever it was going, i wanted it. as long as she becomes a part of my life, and i become a part of hers. i don't regret it at all that i did, even though right now i'm at this very contemplative and deciding point in time. at least we shared some moments wherein i can sincerely say she and i both enjoyed. i know i enjoyed them. and i hope she did too.

several months in the making and i knew it was going down like this. i was waiting on a dream that i knew would never come true. i actually thought constantly telling myself that it just isn't going to happen would be a cushion for whatever impact i'm headed to. but really, those constant reminders are nothing more than blind affirmations so that if things did go the way my subconscious wanted them to go, i can tell myself i was wrong all along.

but here i am, and it was right. i was right. but was i wrong to feel the way that i felt? who knows. maybe. i'm just not in control of any of that. shit happens, man. before you know it you were hit by that train that you didn't even hear coming, and you didn't even know you were in the train tracks to get hit to begin with. life is complicated that way.

but i guess those things we expect the least make life the way it is.

we can't expect to have everything. we can't expect to be successful at each endeavor we encounter. however, i'm thankful though. i wouldn't be where i'm at right now if all this didn't happen - if she didn't happen. i wouldn't be the same person i am right now if it weren't for her, or if it weren't for this. at this point, all i ask for is that i have had an impact on her as well, maybe not to the same degree, but at least have a piece of me within her. i guess that's all i'd want - or need, so i can tell myself that this was not a waste.

i don't know where it's going from this point on between us, but wherever it's headed for, if there's anything i'd want to say, it would be these two words:

"thank you."